@EndhooS

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

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@Beardson

Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

@iVanillaGorilla

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@darinlovesbacon

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

@LostFelicia

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

@FeelingEuphoric

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

@GreeGreeHoist

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.