7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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*picks up cat*
*puts cat down*
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.