[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
One venti cheeseburger please.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Would you wear it?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters