In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
SHIT. NO. GODDAMMIT
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I hate when people decide to come over and I have to put a bra back on.
Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket