@Reverend_Scott

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

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@slackerjorge

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

@kimtopher22

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

@HomeProbably

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

@KDonhoops

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

@gneicco

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@Mr_Kapowski

Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket