[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.


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In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story


You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.


I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.


gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over


No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”


My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.


Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this


Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket