@Jerrypleasure

[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*

ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me

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@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@hardlyrelevant

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

@harriweinreb

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

@JB4Realz

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

@Nickadoo

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

@Mom_Overboard

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card