[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*

ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me

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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1


My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.


(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”


my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office


ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?


Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.


[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir


Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card