@LeBearGirdle

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

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@sparticus_af

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

@AnkCoupleTO

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@LaceyNycole

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

@Marlebean

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

@stevemarriott

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

@jnrbtsn

I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.

@duumb

[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers

[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb