*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[making small talk at a party]
Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!
-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.
[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers
[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb