*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

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[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”


Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*


They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale


Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst


I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.


[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers

[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb