*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I would move hell over six inches for you
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
lmao
Where’s my employee discount too?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.