@mrjohndarby

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

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@moose_chocolate

“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.

@RamblingMachine

My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

@Gooooats

Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.

@jimmytorosian

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

@urmumsausername

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.

@BeerOholic

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

@gitson_shiggles

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

@CorkyKneivel

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password