[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on