1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
You Might Also Like
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
(Electricians.)
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys