1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden


She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?


“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over


lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there


My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.


Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?

Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead


i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad


BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.


Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.


If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.