1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
New favorite tiktok
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
In Canada they just call them geese
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”