@BlindChow

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

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@CheeseDaydreams

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

@crunchenhancer

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

@Spaziotwat

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@handsock_butts

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[text]
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.

@3sunzzz

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

@AngelaLovesNY

Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again