Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again