would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Just me?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.