*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.