*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?