[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
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Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Wait a second…
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]