[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]


Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?


I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.


At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.


Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.


I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.


Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..