[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Hell yeah 👍
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
What the dentist sees
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.