[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure


me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

You Might Also Like


I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


I’m eating the last of the pizza rolls but I’m puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it’s like to get their hopes crushed.


How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.


Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.


I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…


haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in


Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.


Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.


*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip


[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?