[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”


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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.


[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]


The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.


~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*


My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.


Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.


Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it



Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it


3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!


I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”