@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

- @iinkedZombie

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@Try2StopME

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@madeleinedoux

“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

@JimmyTheThing

Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.

@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@HeyJennyConway

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.