@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

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@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@RocketRankoon

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

@BoomBoomBetty

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@Dank_Pal

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@dance_blessed

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

@DirtMcTurd

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”