[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
The devil.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Geez man, take it easy.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
#CatsOnTwitter
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
yea so i messed up lol
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you