[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.