1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.


Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR


Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?


GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this

ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol

GOD: *creates anteater*


[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!





Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.


You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.