@simoncholland

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

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@Maxine12333

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@daemonic3

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this

ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol

GOD: *creates anteater*

@SteveKoehler22

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

@jtrulez

Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.

@bngzyface

You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.