1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?