1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me trying to reach for my goals
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?