[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
Me:Oh my God….
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams