1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go