@BunAndLeggings

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@joejwest

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@Angibangie

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

@pixelatedboat

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

@pixelatedboat

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

@BunAndLeggings

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

@pixelatedboat

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams