1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses