My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.