@AngryRaccoon2

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

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@TheDweck

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@ADDiane

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

@mommajessiec

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

@joeheenan

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

@Breadery

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.