“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”


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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House


The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.


When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).


Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”


My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him


Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.


Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.