“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Body by cheese-puffs.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
TRAIN’S HERE
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.