2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Two types of dogs.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!