2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
The internet is full of many things
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck