Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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live, laugh, laundry.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Another interesting #factupdates post!
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.