[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.


“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it


My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her


me: i want to be inside of u so bad

gym manager: [through the glass] sir we’re not open


Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive


Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions


Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.