*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
6. me as a lawyer
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
How it started How it’s going
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday