@cbdoubleu: Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W:

@WheelTod: Prank: if you're standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

@21stcenturysahm: I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is "so busy" and "so tired." And I want to smack her.

@gregbuchanan: If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you've never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said 'banal' in front of an entire company

@ArfMeasures: ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something