@wittwitbarista

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

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@Pabloayodeji

Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

@milespoo

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

@OtherDanOBrien

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

@TheAlexNevil

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

@

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@Brianhopecomedy

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

@E_lok44

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.