@wittwitbarista

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

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@BazarComedy

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

@gobmentcheese

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

@Ivsy01

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@krisv_723

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

@WheelTod

“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.