*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
You Might Also Like
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I’d … I’d rather not.