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My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.


I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’


I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.


[Marriage Counseling]

Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren’t relevant

Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird


I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.


Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday


Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ


Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.


*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*


Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me