2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Well. That’s not a good sign.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Wait a minute…
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.