2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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i love modern commerce
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?