[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
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Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.