Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
we’re dead?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right