[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.
Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
“Yeah, me, too.”
*cape flaps in the wind*
Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?
Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions