2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I really had high hopes for this year though
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.