@jake_lach

2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded

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@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@MomofTeen

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

@HepatitisAtoZ

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

@nigburt

My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one

@playneck

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

@theshamingofjay

A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I’d go out to dinner with my parents