“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
Think bobcats prefer to be called robertcats?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I’d go out to dinner with my parents
me: no shoes in the house