2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded

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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.


Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie


Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.


boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”


My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one


Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows


A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I’d go out to dinner with my parents