Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Does this dress make me look cat?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Best spoiler warning ever
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.