Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”