2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
honestly, i need both:
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
is this a warning or an offer?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.