2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
You Might Also Like
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
dam girl
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
i choose….tongue
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!