BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
You Might Also Like
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
#StillHurts
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️