2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
You Might Also Like
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I’m about to risk it all
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.