Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.