[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.