[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people