[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.


“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.


[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*


One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.


“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together


Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.


Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.


*Accidentally drops ice cube*
Me: Sadly watches it melt
My dogs: OMG A TREAT