[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.