@xkattxhca

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

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@nicky_prada

Lady one “What’s the worse thing your husband has said during sex?”

Lady two “Honey, I’m home”

@Lisabug74

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@GrumpyBahr

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.

@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

@Gooooats

My toddler just asked, “Where’s mom?” and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.

@TheTweetOfGod

Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.