Lady one “What’s the worse thing your husband has said during sex?”
Lady two “Honey, I’m home”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I didn’t know Sony was hiring.
These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My toddler just asked, “Where’s mom?” and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.
Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.