2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.