[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
relationship goals
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room