If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
2 reasons why im fat
1) i eat when I’m bored
2) im always bored
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
this is from a book called the bible
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.