2 reasons why im fat

1) i eat when I’m bored
2) im always bored

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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.


Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.


baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.


God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan


Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.


I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.


“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”