@tracietom
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
@UncleDuke1969
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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@tracietom
@Awk0Tacoo
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
@JPHaddadio
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
@loribuckmajor
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
@ShortSleeveSuit
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
@JohnLyonTweets
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
@Simeogirl
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
@LurkAtHomeMom
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
@Tmoney68
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
@Fred_Delicious
*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*