I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*