Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
“Progress has been slow”
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”
All the world does is try to tear us apart.
-me to my bed every morning
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.