Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@CornerPubRon

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@ThugRaccoons

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

@McJesse

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

@sixfootcandy

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

@brynnester

[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”

@wickedsuga

All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning

@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.