@UncleDuke1969

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

You Might Also Like

@tracietom

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

@JPHaddadio

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

@Simeogirl

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@Fred_Delicious

*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*