2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.